Uninvited Guest

I love animals.

Dogs, outdoor cats, gerbils, dolphins...

And tigers (of course).

I love them all.

Maybe even bears and zebras.

SNAKES, on the other hand, don't qualify !

Snakes aren't animals.

Snakes are creepy, slithering, creatures with no shoulders.

I don't like critters that have no shoulders.

Like this guy...

The one with the crushed head.

I took this picture Sunday afternoon.  At this point, the creepy, slithering creature with no shoulders was in my front yard.

However, just moments before this picture was taken, he was....

IN OUR KITCHEN !

Yes, I said

IN OUR KITCHEN !

I was minding my own business Sunday afternoon, enjoying what was left of Father's Day.

Sitting in the den watching the final round of the U.S. Open.

My Better Half walked through the den, rounded the corner and headed into the kitchen.

And screamed like a little girl !

Scared the crap out of me !

But I don't blame her.

THERE WAS A SNAKE IN OUR KITCHEN !!

Just as Graeme McDowell rolled in another par putt on #12 at Pebble Beach.

A SNAKE IN OUR KITCHEN !!

Now, I don't know very much about snakes.

I can't tell from looking at them whether they're poisonous or non-poisonous.

I can't tell form looking at them what kind they are.

I can't tell from looking at them whether they are indigenous to Cameroon.

Or the tropical rain forests of south America.

Or south Louisiana.

I don't care.

What I CAN tell from looking at them is they certainly don't belong in my kitchen !!

IN MY KITCHEN !!

I wasn't real sure what to do at that point.

The last thing I wanted was to startle it and have it slither into a cabinet, or under the refrigerator.

By the same token, I wasn't about to reach down and grab the shoulder-less little creep and turn him loose in the yard.

So I went to the store room and grabbed a hoe.

Not one of Tiger Woods's ho's.

(Sorry, couldn't resist the golf joke).

What I grabbed was a standard, garden-variety hoe.

By the time I got back to the kitchen, our little uninvited friend was curled up in a ball of creepy,
cold-blooded, shoulder-less reptile.

Darting his little fangs in and out.

And hissing.

Oh, hell no !

Not in my kitchen !

I pinned him behind his creepy little head with the hoe.

And pressed down.

Hard.

Cut off his oxygen.

Rendered him dead.

Then I scooped him up on the blade of the hoe and took him outside.

Where he belongs in the first place.

And rendered him even deader.

THEN and only then did I wonder what kind of snake he was.

Yes, I said WAS !

Turns out he was more than likely a non-poisonous Prairie Kingsnake.

 Again, I don't really care.

The important thing is that he was no longer living.

And no longer in my kitchen.

In my mind, there's only one kind of GOOD snake.



And that's a DEAD snake !

Until next time...

Dog Days

HOT doesn't even begin to describe the weather we're having in south Louisiana this week.

95 degrees with 60% humidity.

That translates to a heat index of somewhere between 105-115 degrees!

Now don't get me wrong - I actually am one who ENJOYS the heat and humidity.  I really do!  I MUCH prefer heat and humidity to cool weather - and most certainly prefer it to cold weather.

I don't like anything about cold weather.  In fact, I HATE cold weather.  I hate everything about it !

But what we've had here in south Louisiana the past several days has just been downright nasty.

I played golf yesterday.  We have a group of about 20 guys who play regularly.  Most of our group plays just about every day.  Then again, our group is made up largely of retired men who having nothing else to do but play golf.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of my job, I can only play about 3 months out of the year:  part of May, all of June and July and part of August.  Then football season begins and my golf clubs literally go into the closet for the next 9 months.

It's sad ... it's really sad.

Anyhoo, a group of 12 of us teed off at high noon yesterday.  Before we even teed off I was sweating like a whore in church!

Or a BP executive on the Gulf Coast...

I somehow managed a birdie on #9, but by the time we made the turn and headed down #10 fairway, I think I was beginning to hallucinate. Of course I also hooked my drive into a ditch on that hole, so I was hot not only from the obsessive heat but from the horrible tee shot as well !

I double bogeyed that hole.

I drank a lot of water while I was on the course, but the water couldn't keep up with the amount of sweat that was pouring off me in buckets!

By the time we reached #16, I'm pretty sure I saw the Care Bears dancing in the fairway!

Numbers 17 and 18 are now a blur.  I know I made a par on 17 and made bogey on 18, but I recall very little about those two holes except for the heat.

When I finally got home around 4:00pm, my body was absolutely drained.  It's as tired as I ever remember being after playing a leisurely round of golf !

I took a long, COLD shower and drank a bottle of water and a bottle of Gatorade. Gradually I began to recover.

But my muscles (what few I still have at my age) were cramping up all night long.

I'm not playing golf today or tomorrow. 

But I am playing on Friday.  Then on Monday a group of 12 of us are leaving to play golf out of town on Monday, 36 holes on Tuesday and again on Wednesday.

Yes, it will be hot - Africa hot !

But I'd still rather be hot than cold.

And I'd still rather be on the golf course than at the office !

Until next time ...